Who really gives the best blowjobs? Women or men?

Who gives better head, Men or Women?
Men have simple sexual needs. They want to cum. That’s about it. They might sometimes cum in ways that they think are inventive, like on your face or your tits, but it all comes down to the same end: a squirt of some white slopy stuff followed by a brief Xanax-y stupor. After about 20,000 orgasms, most men start to wonder, “Is that all there is to this cumming thing?” They get bored with orgasms.

Men in Middle America are suffering uninspired blowjobs from girlfriends on a daily basis. Is it any wonder a growing number of guys are thinking that maybe the best way to wrestle themselves out of their carnal torpor would be to try a blowjob from a bona fide homosexual? After all, every gay man they’ve ever met has told them a queer blowjob is so much more exciting and enjoyable than a boring woman blowjob. “Nobody knows how to make a penis happy like a person who owns a penis of their own!” (That’s what gay guys say to get straight penises in their mouths.)

But remember this: Most “bi-curious” men aren’t thinking about how delicious it might feel to have another man’s dick buried in their ass. They’re just thinking about how the inside of a dude’s mouth is technically the same as a woman’s, especially if you’re drunk. Especially especially if you’re drunk, ugly, and lonely. Bi-sexuality, quite simply, doubles your chances. It’s the refuge of the pathetically horny.

New statistics from Italy say that, weekly, one gay man sucks more dicks than 12.7 women. Can you say, “Man alive!”? Who’s receiving all these BJs from gay men? Not just other gay men—there aren’t enough of those around for 13 (I rounded up) times more head sessions than girls perform a week. Especially in Italy—those sluts suck dick as casually as our women choke down Apple Martinis. There is only one answer: Straight guys are getting their joints coughed by benders with reckless abandon.

The only question left to ask is, “Who’s better at it?” Do we have to go gay to get the best head? To find out, we got a gay man and a straight man to get blowjobs from a gay man and a straight woman. We blindfolded both of our suckees and built a glory hole. Then we sat back and basked in the heady milieu of the most erotic and revealing experiment ever conducted in the name of sensual truth.

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